This week’s study of the book entitled ‘Let.It.Go.’ has brought me to the question of whether or not I micromanage my kids.  In other words, am I a helicopter mom?  (Don’t you love all the new terminology for our misbehavior as parents?)  I actually asked this question of my oldest child who is an MP in the Marine Corps stationed in Okinawa, Japan.  He said no, but still, sometimes I wonder…

My beloved boys are now 17 and 21.  I have been a stay-at-home mom their entire lives and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  In high school, my chief desire in life was to get married and have babies.  The ‘get married’ part happened quickly — my high school sweetheart proposed the Christmas after graduation and we were married 21 months later.  I was 20 and on top of the world!

Thankfully, my new husband and I were smart enough to wait a while to add kids to the mix.  Good thing, too!  It was stressful enough moving “across the river” and away from the only homes either of us had ever known, starting new jobs, setting up housekeeping and getting to know each other all over again.  Did anyone else notice that the person they thought they knew BEFORE getting married was not the same person they ended up married to?

Anyway, eight years and lots of ups and downs later, enter a beautiful bouncing baby boy named Jason Andrew.  Jase became the center of our universe after a difficult delivery and birth.  While I was lying on the table being stitched up, my husband held our son for the first time and in his words, “fell in love.”  Three and a half years later and another horrific birth — this time an emergency c-section — brought us Joshua Aaron.  Another blessing from above!  (I can’t seem to do deliveries the easy way, so we decided we’d better stop at two!)

The baby and toddler years are a blur, and for those of you with small children, take my advice:  hug them often, take their sloppy, wet kisses and dirty, messy gifts with a grateful heart,  and try to enjoy every moment!  Believe me, you blink and they’re graduating from Kindergarten, 5th Grade and then high school.  It absolutely flies by!

In the midst of all the angst and heartache of child rearing, the overwhelming element of parenting is balancing love and discipline.  Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family fame was always my go-to guy when I was feeling unsure of how to proceed.  My shelves are littered with his books, first and most dog-eared being ‘The Strong Willed Child.”  I know that’s hard for you to believe — especially for those of you who know my husband and me!

Long story short, there is a VERY fine line between helping and hovering.  If I had a dime for every time one of my boys said to me “I can do it myself, Mom!” I would be very rich indeed.  When they’re young, you just want to make sure everything goes okay.  From the first book report to the science fair project, and everything in between, we watch and try to help where we can without doing it for them.  (Okay, there are some parents that actually DO the stuff for them, but not me!)

As a very wise guidance counselor once said to me regarding my oldest child with ADHD:  “It’s time for you to sit in the stands and watch your son play.  He has all the skills he needs to get out there and do it, but he has to be the one who takes the initiative and runs with the ball.  You can’t do it for him.”  What sage advice!  And so much easier said than done.

I have to admit that I’m doing much better with Son #2.  It helps that he’s more independent and self-sufficient, but I also learned a lot with Son #1.  Primarily that holding on to the reins too tightly can be detrimental to a child’s development.  They have to make mistakes in order to learn.  Didn’t you?  I know I did.  I’m one of those people you can’t tell anything — I have to experience the pain of failure myself in order to learn the lesson at hand.  I don’t know why, that’s just the way I am.  But, I am getting better and so are my boys!

Well, it’s officially here — the big 5-0!  Since the celebration officially began on Saturday morning, I’ve been having a great week.  It’s snowing like crazy outside my window as I start this post, which always fills my heart with great joy — thank you, God!  And the 5:13 am phone call from my son in Japan to wish me a “Happy Birthday” was a fabulous way to start my day!!!  I am truly blessed!

However, I do feel the need to give you an update on my first blog post several weeks ago.  For those of you who remember, it was about turning 50 and not being in the greatest physical condition.  Some friends were encouraging, but others were concerned that I was being a defeatist.  Not true.  So as one famous American was wont to say, “Here’s the rest of the story…”

About a month ago I embarked on a new journey…well several actually, but this one being my road to healthy eating.  I swore off soda — gasp!!  And artificial sweeteners — I thought I’d never survive.  I turned instead to honey as my sweetener of choice and on a rare occasion raw sugar.  Caffeine is limited to one cup of coffee or tea a day — are you sure I can’t have a diet coke???  And otherwise I began a whole new lifestyle of shopping frequently for fresh fruits and vegetables, and healthy protein.

Now, let’s talk about how much work all of this is…  I have always loved to cook, but my years of child-raising relegated me to quick meals and lots of stops for fast food.  I would call this new type of eating “slow food!”  It takes more time than I care to think about to plan, shop for and prepare these healthy meals.  Many days, I have picked up Josh at weight training around 4:30, headed home and prepared dinner while he cooled down and showered, and sat down to eat around 7pm.  Not my idea of fun, especially since I don’t really get to relax until the leftovers are put away and the dishes done — usually around 8.  Did I mention that I am sleeping really well these days?

To say this was difficult is a huge understatement.  To say that it’s been worth it is, indeed, “the rest of the story!”  In a few short weeks I have dropped a pants size and my clothes are fitting so much better.  But the bigger payoff is how I feel!  I’m more alert, more focused, I have more energy and I’m sleeping like the dead!!  Need more convincing?  I haven’t even started the exercise side of this healthy lifestyle yet and I’m already seeing the payoffs!

My weight loss goals will take a while, but I didn’t put the weight on quickly, nor is it healthy to take it off quickly.  I’m aiming instead for a healthier me and that is already in the works.  (For those who know me well, I have even been able to stop taking Wellbutrin for my seasonal disorder as of last week and it’s not Spring yet!!!)  So while I am not the size I would like to be for my 50th birthday, I am feeling better than I have in a very long time!

For those of you fearing deprivation — please know that in the past week I have sampled peanut butter pie, a coconut egg, a Reese’s peanut butter egg and a number of decadent desserts at the Chocolate Spa yesterday!  I am aiming not for perfection, but for “imperfect progress” to quote one of my favorite writers and speakers.   And take my word for it, it works!  Happy birthday to me!!

I’ve been ‘standing by my man’ for a very long time.  After all, we took our vows before God and promised “for better or worse, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, until death do us part” almost 30 years ago!  Our lives are intertwined on so many levels that sometimes I don’t know where he begins and I end.  I even work in his office during tax season — a position I neither chose nor ever envisioned myself doing — but it works.

And then I started reading Let. It. Go.  The title of the book alone should have scared me off, but I was curious.  I wanted to know if I really am controlling and to my chagrin, I discovered that however I’d like to couch it, I am.  And now I had to ask myself “am I really being manipulative with my husband?”  All this introspection was revealing some not so flattering aspects of my nature…

“Recognize the subtle difference between manipulation and influence,” advises the author, Karen Ehman.  That’s a very fine line if you ask me.  I’m to ‘help’ him make the right decision by providing information, but I’m not to ‘stack the deck’ with only the facts I want him to have.  He’s always saying “get to the point.”  So maybe, sometimes, I just tell him what I want him to know?  Ugh.  The bottom line?  Influence is clear and honest.   Manipulation is subtle and even misleading.

So back to my original hypothesis when I started this book:  I only want what’s best for those around me.  Am I fooling myself?  Am I controlling those around me, including my husband, to make myself happy?  I don’t think it’s that simple.  I really do want to make everyone happy, and of course that includes myself.  But many times, trying to make everyone happy ends up making me miserable.  So how is all this controlling and manipulating working out for me?  Not very well, thank you very much.

Unfortunately, it all goes back to Eve.  Yeah, that far back.  Turns out when the serpent deceived her and she ate the proverbial “apple” and then persuaded Adam to do likewise, this power struggle became our punishment.  The Hebrew meaning of “your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you” simply means that we want our husband’s job — his position!  I want to be boss (yes, I admit it), but my husband has already been assigned that job.  To quote the author… “Bummer!”

So, how do we do ‘the dance?’  How do we make this work when I want to be in charge and it’s not my job description?  For ‘the dance’ to go smoothly, I have to follow his lead.  This doesn’t mean that he’s superior and I’m inferior — it just means that I need to do my job and he needs to do his.  I have to know when to back off, when I’m going beyond helping to manipulating.  I can express my opinion, but I can’t make the decision for him.  And ultimately, HE is responsible for what he decides, not me.  Phew, there is an up side to all this!

After 30 years together, we know ‘the dance’ pretty well.  In our case, it’s really true that “opposites attract.”  But it turns out that his strengths are my weaknesses, and vice versa.  And we’ve made it this far without killing each other!  However, there’s always room for improvement.  Since we love each other and are committed to our marriage, it never hurts to tweak things to make them better!

“Hi, my name is Joni and I am a control-freak.”  Welcome to CFA — Control Freaks Anonymous.  No, not really.  However, this week I started an on-line Bible study called Let. It. Go. and I’m learning some things about myself I don’t particularly like.  I thought certain as I read the book and participated in the discussions that it would confirm what I already knew to be true, that I’m a bit bossy.  Okay…a lot bossy!  But that didn’t mean that I want to be in control, right?

It seems that being bossy is a symptom of a larger problem.  For me, controlling takes the form of wanting to fix everything (and everyone), to make everyone happy, and to be the peacemaker.  Those are good things, right?

When I was young, my parents apparently thought I would grow up to be a lawyer.  I can’t imagine why they thought that!  (They were almost right, though — I did become a paralegal.  But only after deciding that being an elementary school teacher took too long and I wanted to get married.)  I was probably around 2 or 3 when I thought for sure you were supposed to EAT the birthday candles, and could not be persuaded otherwise.  

I am also fairly certain that for a while I was the bane of my brother’s existence.  I bossed that poor child around like I was his mother.  The only problem was he was only 2 years younger than me, so as he got older we ended up fighting like cats and dogs.  (No Mom, the lamp really did get broken by the cat!)  I wish he was still around so I could apologize…

I remember distinctly in elementary school when my ‘take charge’ attitude led to a trip to the principal’s office.  (One of several, but we won’t go into that.)  Our teacher was called from the room for something and we were to work quietly at our desks.  I apparently decided that my pencil had seen better days, so instead of just getting a pencil for myself, I headed to the closet and handed out new pencils and tablets to the whole class.  It seemed like a good idea at the time…

All of this didn’t bode well for my future husband.  Being the youngest of 3 children, he had had enough bossing around for a lifetime.  (Especially from his sister, who apparently thought she was his mother, too.  Are you starting to see a pattern here?)  Our wedded bliss lasted until the first time we did laundry together.  I was thrilled that his idea of marriage was doing everything together, but apparently telling him that he wasn’t folding everything just right was not the way to encourage this behavior.  As a matter of fact, I don’t think he’s touched a load of laundry since.

I don’t need to mention all the times my sons called me bossy and mean — that’s just a mom thing, so I didn’t take that to heart.  But now, as I work through this study, I realize that women in general have an innate desire to be in control.  (Phew, I was starting to worry that it was just me!)  As the author, Karen Ehman, states women are born “ready to manage, plan, arrange, position, and take charge.”  And it’s a good thing, too — look at all we have to do every day!

Suffice to say, I feel better that I’m not alone.  But how do you change such life-long behavior?  Well, I’ll just have to finish the book and let you know!!