I’ve been ‘standing by my man’ for a very long time.  After all, we took our vows before God and promised “for better or worse, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, until death do us part” almost 30 years ago!  Our lives are intertwined on so many levels that sometimes I don’t know where he begins and I end.  I even work in his office during tax season — a position I neither chose nor ever envisioned myself doing — but it works.

And then I started reading Let. It. Go.  The title of the book alone should have scared me off, but I was curious.  I wanted to know if I really am controlling and to my chagrin, I discovered that however I’d like to couch it, I am.  And now I had to ask myself “am I really being manipulative with my husband?”  All this introspection was revealing some not so flattering aspects of my nature…

“Recognize the subtle difference between manipulation and influence,” advises the author, Karen Ehman.  That’s a very fine line if you ask me.  I’m to ‘help’ him make the right decision by providing information, but I’m not to ‘stack the deck’ with only the facts I want him to have.  He’s always saying “get to the point.”  So maybe, sometimes, I just tell him what I want him to know?  Ugh.  The bottom line?  Influence is clear and honest.   Manipulation is subtle and even misleading.

So back to my original hypothesis when I started this book:  I only want what’s best for those around me.  Am I fooling myself?  Am I controlling those around me, including my husband, to make myself happy?  I don’t think it’s that simple.  I really do want to make everyone happy, and of course that includes myself.  But many times, trying to make everyone happy ends up making me miserable.  So how is all this controlling and manipulating working out for me?  Not very well, thank you very much.

Unfortunately, it all goes back to Eve.  Yeah, that far back.  Turns out when the serpent deceived her and she ate the proverbial “apple” and then persuaded Adam to do likewise, this power struggle became our punishment.  The Hebrew meaning of “your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you” simply means that we want our husband’s job — his position!  I want to be boss (yes, I admit it), but my husband has already been assigned that job.  To quote the author… “Bummer!”

So, how do we do ‘the dance?’  How do we make this work when I want to be in charge and it’s not my job description?  For ‘the dance’ to go smoothly, I have to follow his lead.  This doesn’t mean that he’s superior and I’m inferior — it just means that I need to do my job and he needs to do his.  I have to know when to back off, when I’m going beyond helping to manipulating.  I can express my opinion, but I can’t make the decision for him.  And ultimately, HE is responsible for what he decides, not me.  Phew, there is an up side to all this!

After 30 years together, we know ‘the dance’ pretty well.  In our case, it’s really true that “opposites attract.”  But it turns out that his strengths are my weaknesses, and vice versa.  And we’ve made it this far without killing each other!  However, there’s always room for improvement.  Since we love each other and are committed to our marriage, it never hurts to tweak things to make them better!